"" Life: when you are
single, aloof, alone and living in a single occupancy (a 1BHK flat- which is also
making small holes in your pockets), you don’t have friends around whom you can
call and ask to drop by for some time or express your feelings through a
soul-to soul talk, because either they stay too far, or are too busy in their
own lazy life or love life, or are too unaware, or are too lost in the similar
loner way as you are at present.
I have already started feeling like Carrie Bradshaw of the ‘Sex and the city’. (Aannhh!!! Feeling good for a fraction of second) And, the consequence is kind of similar, I'm writing, writing something about the extracts of my present life. I always have this urge to do something creative, different, to make something out of nothing, to take the paths untraveled, to visit places, to travel around the world, live at different places, breathe-in every culture, to paint a little, paint a canvas, paint those walls or those empty glass bottles, or to nurture a plant or stitch a cushion cover, to make a lamp shade, or may be that cute bag, to decorate my little not-so-perfect house, to read a book, or may be some interesting blog on life, travels, home decors, places around the world, psychology… Or to write something, something about the journey of life, friends, family, love and blah blah… Though, I get too lazy after exhausting myself jotting down everything I want to do and having a long bucket-list of ‘To-do’ things, mostly end up doing nothing. The Bucket-list gets lost in pages of some random notebook to be found and re-read, dream again and then getting lost again. Yes, sometimes, few of the things do get poured out of that bucket and fall off the pages of the notebook to the ‘Done’ zone. So, the ultimate result is that I end up doing everything but mostly nothing. Generally, I spend my whole day watching some or the other movie, browsing (Thanks to Google and all the rest of the supporting technologies), reading online, Facebook-ing, chatting and watching Youtube videos. I at times do a little bit of those creative stuff, like stitching a small doormat, cushion cover, cutting things out of paper, painting or something like what I’m doing right now, ‘Writing’… thinking myself to be some kind of to-be-famous writer with words full of power and meanings oozing out of them that are going to hammer on those nerve cells of the people reading it and punch their lil hearts… :-l
Anyways... The thing about staying alone, being single with no friends close by and working in a city like Bangalore; it really isn't that great! (Few people might think otherwise.) Though, you get a lot of time to introspect. Specially, for a girl like me who is not much interested in going out within the walls of the city, or through the city traffic (Can’t stand the traffic here. Already finding myself succumbed in autos), or theaters, or for shopping, or to the malls. None of these feed my hungry soul and itchy feet.
Getting back to “when you are single, aloof, alone and living in a single occupancy” story… Most frequented one; since you stay all alone, you don’t feel like cooking at all. You either sleep hungry or you end up ordering an expensive more-than-enough-for-one-person-meal, basically some junk food. You hog on it, and also since you don’t have a fridge yet and you don’t wana waste your hard-earned money which you just used to pay this ‘expensive and more-than-enough-for-one-person-meal’, and you don’t intent to throw that extra food into the trash bin, you over-hog on it. :-| Get lazier and gain some extra unctuous substance in your body (Which you try hiding under your new-fashion-of-layered-look) :’( And also sleep more :D . At the end, it is a total waste, not just of food or money but of yourself if you order food from outside, specially being alone.
Another one; since you stay alone; anyone can disturb your privacy saying, “Hey girl, you stay alone, I/we/he/she/they will drop in". You can’t even make an excuse of your roommate being uncomfortable about guests coming over :-| Sorry, know it sounds mean. But, it is not like that. I mean, it is likable to have people dropping by, coming to stay over. It kind of gives a break to the all-alone-monotonous-house-office-house-life. But staying beyond the time period you can sustain is kind of annoying. (Atleast, to me). Anyone encroaching over my peace and my space disturbs me, until and unless I have given ‘such rights’ to them. I am not staying alone so that people can barge in my house anytime to intrude my peace of mind, but to have some time of my own, for myself, to have a calm peaceful life, ‘kind-of-I-like-it-type’. In true sense, I am a person who would let my mental serene state disturbed and be a good hostess to the person-in-front of me. But, if the person-in-front is trying to be a smart jackass then, it is of no concern to home-shelter them. The best is, they barge in without asking you properly (First of all, they should not ask you owing to your good nature of never saying ‘no’ to anyone and also knowing that you are in no state to share your not-so-happening, yet peaceful life and house). Then they get over your nerves by elbowing into your personal zone, into those tiny little corners your very own life and start judging your actions, start giving suggestions and start arguing with you with all their ego to win over you (in a way feeding your ego too.) and tampering your calm life from all directions. (Seriously, the words may sound very rude here. I’m warm-welcoming and I love and value all my relations with all sorts of people. Just, that my present state of mind is in no state to take any input. There is so much inside my mind, that everything is already falling off.) People who surge in other’s life should understand that not everyone is same and that you need to respect and accept everyone’s ideology. They should grow enough to understand that ‘if you are welcomed, be welcomed!’. And, they should also understand that they might not be always right and life is not always the way they think.
Adding to the above occurrence, your alone life gets worse when you get sick with fever, cold, and cough... making things annoying to the core. I mean it’s kind of interesting to stay all by yourself and take care of yourself when you are sick. You apply wet pads on your head yourself. :l because there is no other option. All you eat is Britania Marie Gold Biscuit before you eat your medicines because it is readily available, you don’t need plates for them, and they anyways don’t have any taste so you don’t have expectations from them unlike other home-delivered-cooked-food since your taste buds do not show any sensation to any touch of food after being reacted with the touch of medicines you are taking, irregularly because you don’t seem to have perfected the art of taking care of yourself.
To worse it more, there is this cheese layer of the fact that you don’t know your ‘relationship status’. Because it’s as confusing and as complicated as; “You are not actually dating someone, still the dinners are mostly like dinner-dates. Simultaneously, you had a virtual break-up with some guy because you have these butterflies in you that make you feel like you are in love with that guy, though you never ever dated that guy or that guy was never ever into you”. You get as crazy as randomly smiling at stupid things (Even when in the middle of street while crossing the road, the signal turns green) and crying at sad parts of movies. Adding to all these cracked situations, the topping are tossed in forms of your sensible and good male friends, who were fun to be with, are becoming insensible and getting married or committed, and you wonder why all the men from my life are getting married or committed to some or the other girl. [I mean, seriously…??? :-O ] Also all your female friends are getting married, either arranged or love, and updating it on Facebook. [Here goes another-‘Seriously!! :-O… like “she is just 25”… And for sure, Facebook will be soon one depressing site for me :_O…]. I mean how can they? When I was a kid ( in School- Yes I thought about such things in school), I used to think of myself as a girl who would not be the most desirable one, but for sure would find the ‘love-of-my-life’ and would have a happy-ever-after kind of story. Which, I still happen to think of at times. Not my bad, it is all because of these Bollywood/ Hollywood love stories/ chick-flicks, which are all full of nothing but crap, and make every woman (or may be man too) live in a fairy tale story which might never be true. But now, after having three unsuccessful relationships (if just having someone special in your life is also counted as a relationship by the present cool generation of young people), and after seeing the people around me, after seeing so many pages flip off the calendar, I have realized, ‘Relationship’ (another cool term used by present gen) is not meant for me, at least, in this present situation. I am not to be taken wrong or judged. Sincerely, I would love to be loved by a man who really loves me and I would love him back the same way, and get married eventually. But, this never happens. Why??? Because the very concept of true love which I perceived and installed in my CPU as a kid (innocent one), has somewhere disappeared in this long journey and weird world and now it’s all about ‘give and take’ type relationship concept among the people I see around me. I am not saying, I haven’t turned into one. I have turned into one of those, and I expect from a relationship, a lot of small-small-little-little things. But, I basically don’t believe in this very concept of ‘Give & take’. For me, love is unconditional, and will always be. It just happens. If its love, it won’t come with a ‘PFA’ or ‘*Terms and conditions applied’. Anyways, back to the story… So you wonder, how is everyone getting married? Am I the odd one or they are the stupid ones? And then hotness is added by the chilly flakes, all your male friends who are getting married have suddenly become more desirable and seem to be good prospects now; you wish that they weren't married. (This statement is temporary, I know. I don’t like chilly flakes.) Also, there are totally not- so- likable (by you) people after you in your life, which you try avoiding, but they somewhere seem to be stuck to your life. Also, because your ‘Ex’ has not become your ‘Ex’ since you both have common friends. Every time you think, 'He' is finally an 'Ex', 'He' flashes back into your life like ‘He’ never went off. (Okay… this is also temporary. I know!) Then, you have this secret love for someone, which is actually not a secret anymore because ‘the-person-in-subject’ is totally aware about this very fact and the unsaid rejection from him makes you feel awkward. You are so exactly in love with that person that you want to break things, make complete mess, make ruts, run away and disappear… But, you stand there, helplessly lost, pretending to be one who is not lost. And, all this love-confusion makes you love sick or sick in general. You quietly wish somewhere for someone to be for you, to take care of you, to say, “Don’t worry, I’m there”. (Aaahh… Uuuurrggg… Movies again!) All this makes you anxious which leads to ‘anxiety eating’, which in turn, again, leads to excessive unctuous substance deposition in your body :/
You keep telling yourself and close people around you that everything is fine, and is getting better. You, actually stand with that stupid fake smile on your face and thoughts like; ‘Why do I have to smile? Why can’t I cry if I feel like crying? I don’t want to fake a smile. I am sad and I want to show that I am sad…’ Sadly, you have no other option but, to fake a smile because there is no one around who would understand why you are crying. (Practically, there is no one around, remember you stay all alone and by yourself :-| ) And you might cry out to yourself over a pillow. Consequences: next day morning you wake up with puffy eyes and swollen face, and the condition of the pillow doesn’t look like that it could be used ever again, due to stains of tears/ water marks and blotches. (I don’t wana go much in depth of details, I am sure many of you could connect to it) Do, I sound a cry-baby? Most Girls are! Though, most of the girls are the secret cry-baby with the same pillow experience. :P
And, to worse it all, you have people in your lonely life who really actually care a lot for you, so they keep asking you to shift in with few friends so that you may get over with your loner life. One, they don’t understand that you are mentally not in a state to think about whom you should stay with or how you should stay. You are not in a mental state to shift anywhere. You want to lazily slumber inside your cocoon and come out to mingle with people only if you want to. You need some time and space. You need people who understand you, not the one who suggest you things to change in your life or ask you question which you don’t even want to hear. And two, they don’t understand that you don’t have people around you who love you enough to stay with you and bear you… a bitter truth… [aaaaahhh… It hurts! No… No… I am not crying, I am fine :-| ]. So, What if girls stay in groups, and travel in groups together, move together (Even to the chai-shop two buildings away or to the washroom one hall away) and eat together and gossip endlessly together, there also are girls who stay all alone! There are girls who come to a new city and don’t know anyone and stay alone there without any friends. (Yes, there are such girls and I have met them personally!). So, what if you have to act one and feel one. [I know it is temporary. Owing to my ambivert nature, I am just feeling it and blabbering it out right now. But, I’m for sure I’m going to laugh at it later when I would read it. It is all all temporary! Take a deep breath]. By the way, the thing about taking a deep breath is to divert your mind towards the arty effort you need to take that deep breathe from all the other unarty and effortlessly unwelcomed, yet arrived disturbing things and thoughts. Realised this fact during the ‘n’ number of yoga sessions I took at ‘n’ number of place from sitting in front of TV in a closed room to sitting under the shades of huge tall tree over the soft supple green dewed grasses. And, the thing about yoga is that, that it is very boring, but, very effective, very soothing and very helpful. (Do try it… if you can take up boring challenges!)
Anyways, getting back to the part of the story of feeling and being alone… [I just took the ‘deep breath’… even ‘Yoga’ could be a topic of diversion. ;) :P ]
After all this happening in your single, aloof, alone life, you quietly keep moving without making it obvious that you got lost somewhere down the line and you are in a process of searching your very own self, that you do have expectations from life, that you do want to be in a blissful state. “Your answer to every- How are you? is the same one line, “I am fine! :) ” with that smile on your lips which are looking for the true meaning for themselves. You are happy, you smile, you laugh, you feel the butterflies, you are full of positive energy, you love the colours and the sunshine, but there’s a lil empty space in your lil heart, which keeps on reminding you that there’s something missing. Life isn’t a piece of cake. “Life has its own ways to tell you the bitter truths and its own way to make you accept them.” It is a painful relatable desire to self-actualize, to figure out who you are, when you lead a life of a loner. You will feel low, doubted, discredited, sad in life, but you need to be brave enough to stand strong.""
With last confident and strong thoughts, she closed her system. She felt very thirsty and the bottle was empty. Feeling self-assured of herself, mumbling a happy song, she went to kitchen to fill the water bottle for night. It has been raining heavily with lightning and thunder. And, suddenly the power goes off. Being always afraid of ghosts (Not that she has seen any ever), she dropped the bottle there and ran into her room with a shriek and the bang of the closing door replacing the mumbling of happy song. (Yup, another similar post can come up with this incidence)
